Rainy Days

I used to be so sure in my philosophy that everything would work out the way it was supposed to in the end. And for a while it looked like it would, but now everything is starting to slowly unravel. Hopefully there's a different end that I just can't see yet, one that will make all of this worthwhile. But right now life is like the weather forecast. Nothing but showers and scattered thunderstorms.

Summer

It's funny how when you wait for so long for something to happen you have no idea what to do with yourself once it actually gets here.

How long did I spend waiting for summer? At least the past 16 weeks of class... longer, if you count the winter since I absolutely hate the cold and wait for summer the other 9 months of the year. And I always have all of these plans for summer. Things I wish I could do but just can't pull off during the rest of the year, usually because I'm too busy.

Yesterday was my first free day since my last final, and what did I do? I slept until about 1 in the afternoon, and then did absolutely nothing.

What a waste.

I mean, I don't even feel good doing that, because I have no energy and I get a headache usually. So why the hell do I keep doing it?

I am NOT going to waste this summer. I'm not going to spend all day doing nothing unless I have work. And when I hang out with my friends, we need to actually GO OUT. There are so many things I want to do, and then I always push them off, saying I guess I'll do it tomorrow. Surprise, surprise. I don't ever do it.

This summer's already looking a bit better, but now I'm afraid once that's all over I won't want to do anything else. I mean, I've been planning these trips for how long? A while. A couple months at least. So of course I'm all excited. And then they're going to go by too quickly and I won't want to do anything else after.

I need something else to look forward to, so I don't just completely give up my summer. Again. Because work, work, and yes, more work, is not enough motivation to get out of bed in the morning.

I miss being a kid, when I was allowed to do nothing all day and not have to worry about any responsibilities. Really, growing up sucks. I want those summers back. I never wasted those summers. Now all I have is a complete lack of motivation to do, well, anything. It's too bad I never appreciated it when I was a kid. Now I would trade almost anything to have that back.

All you need...

is love.

Not really.

Well, yeah, I guess you need it. But that's not all you need. Although listening to the Beatle's probably would help.

All I really needed was a random call from my best friend's room mate to get dragged into the middle of the most ridiculous argument ever, and the next thing I know I'm laughing harder than I've laughed in a long time. Laughing so hard my sides hurt and tears were rolling down my face and I'm sure the people around me thought I was having a mental breakdown.

And you know what?

I think I was.

But it was a good breakdown. I finally released all that pent-up stress and anxiety I'd been harboring for so long.

It felt so good.

And that proved it. All you really need is laughter. And friends who will do something stupid to make you laugh, of course.

<3

All these memories they sting

Nothing left to hold on to.
Like a firework on New Year's Day
But we'll never light the fuse.
There used to be so much to say,
Now we're just passing through the days
Trying hard to get it back

I'm not quite sure how I got to this point in my life... I would have sworn that at the time nothing was changing, and now there's hardly anything left that I can recognize.

And I'm just wondering how I could have been so blind as not to have seen it happening.

But now I can't decide which is worse... that I let everything slide this far without trying to stop it, or that I don't care.

Reality vs. Fairytales

I've been giving a lot of thought recently to whether or not this is all worth it.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not afraid of a little hard work. But there comes a time when you realize that dream you've held onto for so long really isn't that practical. Especially if you're not sure you want it anymore.

So then it's either keep on trudging through with the thought that maybe, maybe someday I'll want it again, or just stop and sit back for a moment. Take a minute to breathe. Take a moment to get a new perspective.

Lately I've been trudging through, thinking that in the end I'll either have everything I need or I'll have more than I need, no harm done. But now... now there might be more harm being done than the potential can overshadow.

It's exhausting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. All. The. Time. It never ends. I can't even remember what it feels like to be just tired anymore.

I think I have an unrealistic view of what's going to happen if this pays off. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and maybe I've deluded myself into thinking that this could actually work. That I have a shot at this. I mean, only like 15% of the people get in. Even less actually make it. Not very good odds.

And even getting in doesn't mean anything would happen after. Let's be honest here. Life isn't fair. The people who work hard are always the ones who reap the reward.

But if I do make it... it would be amazing. My fairytale come to life. And what more could a person ask for in life?

Well, maybe a little bit more encouragement, but that would just be greedy, wouldn't it? Can't have everything.

So... is this all worth it?

I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait and see.